Dear God, It's me. Anger.

 *Disclaimer: I think it is safe to say that everybody gets angry sometimes. It is also wise to assume that everyone has their own goings-on in their lives and that the majority of others know nothing of them. That being said, I have been holding on to some resentment and anger for quite some time. About three weeks ago, I started actively heading toward healing and strengthening my spirit through God, His Truth found in Scripture, and some lovely ladies from my church who are mentoring me, challenging me, and praying for me. My assignment this week is to pray through some verses in the book of Ephesians. Paul originally wrote these words. My plan is pray them. But pray them as if I AM my anger, my resentment, my hardened heart. To be as transparent as possible, at this moment in time (8:13pm on October 18, 2022), I do not have a plan or even an idea about how this will turn out. I am going to let my God speak and my soul listen. And whatever comes pouring out will come. And I will allow it. Finally, someone once told me that God gave people gifts so that they could use them to bless others. I love to write. And this Spiritual journey I am on is tough, but I hope that it reaches you.

Based on Ephesians 1:17-23:

Dear God,

It's me. Anger. I am tense. It is difficult for me to grow in my knowledge of You when I have this giant divide between what I am thankful for and what truly twists my gut into a tightly wound ball of rubber bands. Every time I think I am ready to pull a band off the ball, it snaps in half or snaps at me. But that hurts. So sometimes, I wrap the ball back up. 

It's me. Anger. I am dark. Pitch blackness. Inky shadows of nothing. But sometimes, I can see You flicker. It starts like a small flame and, as I allow it, it grows into a light so bright that I have to close my eyes. A light so overwhelming that even with my eyes closed, I can still see it, still feels its warmth. But in the light, I am exposed. Vulnerable. So sometimes, I return to the darkness.

It's me. Anger. I am big. Sometimes I am so big that it feels as though I will erupt into yelling, crying, swear words, ugly tones, sneering lips, and glaring eyes. But You, God, are bigger than me. Your incredible greatness is NOTHING compared to me. Although my explosions are powerful enough to negatively affect everyone around me, YOUR power is mightier. But sometimes I forget that you are greater than me, larger than any frustration, bigger than any overwhelming moment, stronger than any resentment, more massive than any hurt. So sometimes, I explode.

It's me. Anger. I am heavy. And I fill the heart with solid stone, dragging down my host and everyone around her. But You, God, You fill all things everywhere with Christ. And Christ lifts away the heavy load and replaces it with undeniable peace, love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. Christ carries the weight - leaving the host weightless, dare I say happy, and floating on red, heart-shaped balloons and clouds of Your love. But there is a lot of guilt in allowing you to shovel away the boulders. So sometimes, I let them pile up.

Dear God, 

It's me. 

Anger. 

Unravel me. 

Reveal me. 

Break me down. 

Take my place.

Amen.

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