Vacuuming the Pile of Ugh

 "Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

Point out anything in me that offends you,

and lead me along the path of everlasting life."

Psalm 139:23-24

Day 2

November 17, 2022

Now that my heart is open, what does it look like inside?

  • I picture my heart to be white. Stark white. Cleaned white and pure because God sent Jesus to die for my sins and purify my heart.
  • I imagine there are corners, though. These corners are in shadow...dark. 
  • I assume there are things hiding in those corners.
If I am being completely transparent (which is my goal), then my heart reminds me of King's Cross Station in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 movie. In the end, Harry arrives to the King's Cross Station of his mind. Everything is white and clean. But underneath a bench, there is a horcrux--a piece of Voldemort. A piece of evil. It seems like that.

So what's hiding in the shadows?

Anger, resentment, bitterness - these all stay together. They pile up. They are sticky, dirty, gross. They shrink and expand throughout my days depending on my life. On bad days, the pile of ickiness is so tall that it begins to spill over...and as it topples and the yuck splashes down on the pure, white floors of my heart, it spatters all over the place covering the floors, walls, and ceiling. Turning the previous white into splotches of eww. And, as Matthew 12:34 tells us, "Whatever is in your heart determines what you say." This means my words come out as harsh, negative, condescending, mean, bossy, rude.

"Point out anything in me that offends you,"

The sticky, dirty, gross, icky, yuck, eww offend my God, but also offend people around me. The human beings in my life, fully deserving of love and respect, get my PLECH instead. They are offended, hurt, saddened. The shadowy places in my heart are offensive.

"...and lead me along the path of everlasting life."

This is where I am stuck. I know the detestable needs to be cleaned out of my heart. I know that my heart is unlocked and open. I know that God is fully capable of coming in with his shopvac and cleaning up the mess with a snap of his fingers. But it feels too easy. 

I fully know without a doubt that God can clean a willing heart like BAM! In fact, that is LITERALLY the Gospel. We are undeserving. "But God so loved the world that he sent his only Son so that whoever shall believe in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." God's forgiveness is a gift given to us by Him through Jesus's death on the cross. His grace is sufficient for sweeping, mopping, and vacuuming up scum. But I think I have been engrained to think that I need to DO something to FIX something. 

When I search "Self-Help Books for Women" on google, about 2,250,000,000 results pop up in less than one second. Maybe this is the problem. The current worldly culture tells me I have to DO things to BE better. But like... I LITERALLY can't. Nothing I can or cannot do is good enough. AND THAT IS OKAY. That is the point and purpose of Jesus Christ. 

So when I pray for God to "Lead me along the path of everlasting life" maybe it is not about me mapping out a destination, buying the right hiking boots, researching the weather, layering clothes, etc. 

Maybe it is just about me following Him. 

That's it. 

No looking back. 

No locked doors.

No sweeping, mopping, vacuuming up the pile of ugh.

Just God. Snapping his fingers. And forgiving me. And healing me. And cleaning my heart once again.

and again. and again. and again.


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